Let me be the one

let me be the one to break it up
so you won’t have to make excuses
we don’t need to find a setup
where someone wins and someone loses
we just have to say our love was true
but has now become a lie
so I’m telling you ‘I love you’ one last time
and ‘goodbye’

For some reason, this darn song by Jimmy Bondoc seems to appeal to me. Sobra. I’m not bitter, or anything, I guess sometimes if I let my ’soft’ side rise to the surface, and I go senti-mode, this is one of the few songs that comes to mind. Sawi ba ko? I dunno. Right now I’m with someone. We’ve been together for a long time now, and I know that I love her. Pero ewan, sometimes I feel that she’s not there, or that I long for someone, someone who I don’t see anymore, someone who doesn’t make me feel as special as she once made me feel. What’s weird is, I sometimes ’see’ her, or at least think that I do, only for her to disappear again. So pwede ka bang maging sawi if you’re with the same person? Siguro. Pero ano yun, she’s with you physically but not with you emotionally? It’s still confusing at times. Kaya nga ang sarap mag senti-mode. It’s like you’re wallowing in misery or something.

Damn. I can’t believe I’m writing about something mushy. Maybe I should go bang my head on a wall. It looks pathetic. Makes you want to wonder if love songs have some sort of subliminal message thing going on. Something to draw the listeners in, to make them feel sorry for themselves, to make them WANT to continue to feel sorry and to want more love (read: sawi) songs. Maybe that’s a prerequisite of being a ’successful’ love-song writer: learn the art of manipulation, brain-washing, and subliminal messaging.

Is it karma? Sometimes I believe it is. After all, with all the previous relationships that I’ve had, I can’t seem to remember even one that had closure. Either my partner left me hurting, or I’d do the same. I remember my previous relationship tuloy, and the fact that whenever my ex and I would see each other we would never talk to each other, much less look at the other person straight in the eye. I just don’t see the point of talking to her, as I’ve got nothing to say anymore. I guess she feels the same. I was the’hurt party’ here mind you, and even if our relationship started in a weird way, the fact that it was rooted deeply in the activities I thought I believed in then, it really hurt me when she did what she did. No more words to say, I ’nuff said.

Closure. I guess the key to me growing up in this ‘love-aspect’ of my persona is to look for, and understand the meaning of closure. Until then, I guess I’ll forever be in senti-mode. Gah! Makes me remember one other song tuloy…

And I’m so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I’m so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can’t I turn off the radio?